Letters From a Nation
by AyumiFallassion
Summary: From Churchill, to Internet porn, to Hugh Laurie, to France, INTERESTING things are passed between England and America. All in the day of a Nation. Or at least their letters.
1. America One

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arther, Alfred, Barack, Churchill, or Hugh Laurie.

* * *

Letters from An American

Dear Arthur,

_

How's life goin'? I know, you're still pissed at me because BO sent back that bust of Churchill,

it really was rude of him. But it was an ugly thing anyway. If it'll make you happy though, I'll

put it in the Lincoln Room when my people eventually boot Barack from office. Trust me, it's

coming, I can sense it. Really wasn't the best person to vote into office.

_

Good luck with Francis, hope you two aren't fighting each other too much over there! To tell

the truth, I'm glad I got a few cooking lessons from him. I think I'd die if I had to survive off of

what I learned from you!

_

Alfred.

_

PS, You can have Hugh Laurie back when you pry him from my cold dead fingers.


	2. England One

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arther, Alfred, Barack, Churchill, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Hugh Laurie.

* * *

Letters from A British Gentlemen

Dear Alfred

_

To be perfectly fair I had completely forgotten about that, Northern Ireland and New Zealand destroyed yet another Mini Cooper whilst drink driving but thank you for reminding me you insufferable git. Neither was Brown to be fair, miserable old sod; and Cameron is just a bit too far up his own arse for his own good. Or so Scotland says anyway, he's still fuming from the visit Cameron gave him the other week. And I have no idea who the leader of the Lib Dems is and to be frank I couldn't care less.

_

Don't speak of the Frog. The anniversary of our peace treaty some 100 or so years ago has left me mentally scarred, Wales wanting to commit suicide, Northern Ireland crying tears of anguish and Scotland wanting to rip his stubbly head off. I'm beginning to think Prussia gave him the idea to come over naked. And my cooking is bloody brilliant! Take that back you Yank!

_

Arthur

_

PS, I hate you


	3. America Two

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arthur, Alfred, Barack, Final Fantasy, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Lagers.

* * *

Letters From An American

Dear Arthur,

Sorry to dreg up old memories. You make me glad that I only have the one brother, and to be perfectly honest, I think Canada's been terrified of me since the chainsaw incident. Do I Fail, or do I Win? And the dick in charge of the Dib Lems is the evil one. No, the Evil One. And don't you forget it.

England, you know for a fact that your cooking is classified, by the Geneva Convention, as a Weapon of Mass Destruction! I take back nothing! I'd rather eat frog legs again than your biscuits. Oh yes, I went there! Whatcha gonna do about it?!

Japan just sent me a new game. Final Fantasy XIII. Not up to his normal standards though, I finished it in under a week. China is still pissed at my leader for all the money we owe him. Keeps saying that if I keep screwing him over that, I might as well bend him over and do it for real. How's that for a mental image? Makes me shiver. But not with antici...PAtion.

And just for a final blow, FRANCE IS AFTER YOUR VITAL REGIONS AGAIN!

All my love! :P

Alfred.

PS. You might wanna tell Germany to come and get Italy off of my couch. Again. What did that Kraut do to him, he's become addicted to lagers!


	4. England Two

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arthur, Alfred, Barack, Pokemon, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Lagers. Or French Food, thank God.

* * *

Letters From A Gentleman

Dear Alfred,

I'd happily trade my three and son for Canada any day, I can happily live without alcoholics, the Welsh metal and the teapot collection stashed in your old room. Actually you can keep them all but Wales; he makes the best cake in existence. Even France agrees. I wont my oh so 'prince charming'.

America you know Scotland cooks worse then me so unless you want a one to one introduction with a Haggis once again I suggest you shut ya pie hole. And French food is the cuisine of the Devil, just like the language and the people who reside there.

Northern Ireland had a similar opinion, he then complained for the nest week until I bought him the new pokemon games. He named his starter pokemon after you, the shouting of 'Alfred you fucking useless fucker' is hilarious. Apart from when it's at 1 in the morning. I swear that kid's insomniac. All I can say to that America is he was a good fuck back in the day ;)

Oh bugger, thanks for the head up

Surely it wasn't your horrible American stuff? Even I can't get drunk off of that piss water. Can barely even get a buzz!

Arthur.

P.S. My brothers are planning something for my birthday, save me…NOW!


	5. America Three

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arthur, Alfred, Pokemon, Saturday Night Live, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Lagers. Or French Food, thank God.

* * *

Letters From An American

Dear Arthur,

Tell those bastards to get that trash out of there, I'm gonna wanna use that room next time I come over to your place! Tell them to get rid of it, or I'll give it all to Sealand. I'm sure he'd enjoy throwing them over his platform. But ok, I'll agree, Wales makes the best cake.

No Haggis, please, they still freak me out from the blood incident! Although, I'd rather have Haggis than your burnt-to-a-cinder whatever!

Ok, I have to agree, French cuisine is evil. The language is evil, the people are rude wankers, and Paris reminded me of Atlantic City! Hookers of every street, strip joints, and gambling. Sounds like Atlantic City to me. And it freaks me out whenever Canada starts chattering in French. Any chance you could help me break him of that habit? I have the maple syrup, you use the stick?

Tell Ireland that I named my Bidoof after him, and then buried it in my library. So there.

Ummm, aren't you still married to Iain? When did this thing with China happen, and did he know? …This explains so much about Japan.

No problem. I'm the one who egged him on this time.

Hey, I was suckin' on Whiskey, I'm in the middle of nowhere North Carolina, trust me, the whiskey is safer than the water here. I'm in the middle of the Dysmal Swamp, so yeah. And Italy HAS been corrupted, it was some of the beer Germany left over back in July! Thanks for sending help, I had to wrestle him into the guest room. He tried to hit me in his sleep. Did you know that if you give that curl of his a yoink though, that he stops wriggling?

Later!!

Alfred

PS. If they try to string you up like a pinata, I'm sorry, but I might have given them that idea. So sorry.

* * *

_Excerpt From China's Answering Machine_

"CHINA! YOU... AND ENGLAND... AND, WHY!? IS THIS WHY YOU KEEP BENDING OVER MY COUNTER?! ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING!?! YOU WHORE, WHO ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN WITH?!

"Ok, ok, I'm cool, breathe America, breathe.... What HAVE you Done to JAPAN!? THIS EXPLAINS TOO MUCH ABOUT HIS SAMURAI!!"

_Click!_

"....China, do you need to tell me something?"

"ummm, I was drunk at the time Korea?"


	6. England Three

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arthur, Alfred, Pokemon, Twilight, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Whiskey. Or French Food, thank God.

* * *

Letters From A Gentleman

Dear Alfred,

You know if you do that Wales will come after you for your blood so he can wallow in it like the heathen swine he is. He has a fondness for Sealand for some unknown reason. Are you saying that because they're nice or because you don't want another repeat of the green cake batter incident? Speaking of which when did you finally wash it off?

I officially disown you.

I take back the disownment; you've made your father proud. Sure we'll beat the Quebec out of him in no time.

I did, he's now glaring at the cat and the cat is glaring back. I want to save the cat but I have a feeling one of them will lash out if I intervene.

It's an estranged marriage! He's off fucking my Twin and god knows else what! We might be getting divorced this year…with any luck. You'd do anything for a bit of opium my dear and where else do you think Hong Kong came from, honestly.

You've been disowned again.

You were sucking on my cat? What the fuck is wrong with you? First your books about sparkly fairies which supposedly are vampires and now bestiality. You dirty mare.

Sorry about that, I left the room momentarily and it appears the sprog took this over. And yes I knew that, I also knew that if you stroke it long enough he gets and erection and what not. You find out a lot of things when you get Gilbert drunk. Trust me.

Toodle pip!

Arthur.

PS. You have lost every chance you had of having the disownment lifted, when I see you at the next meeting I'm going to make you rue the day I found/met you.


	7. America Four

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arthur, Alfred, Pokemon, Twilight, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Whiskey. Or Sealand, though he is cute.

* * *

Letters From An American

Dear Arthur,

You know, when you say things like that so calmly that you freak me out? And I'm fond of Sealand, he's so cute in the middle of his delusions of grandeur. And I washed the batter off as soon as I got home. Moron.

I succeeded. I disowned MYSELF from this insane family. And don't you deny it, you KNOW they're insane!

I'll bring one of the sticks for ya. Ever use maple? Nice and springy.

I'll put money down on the cat. And for the record, I was talking about alcohol whiskey, not your cat.

Are you talking about the Opium War? There was no way you were taking any of that, you have never been mellow a day in your life! I's rather not think about where Hong Kong came from, thanks.

And speaking of mellow, if Russia asks you were his scarf is, Italy doesn't have it. Never do I, but more importantly, ITALY doesn't have it! Crazy little Tony, I have no clue how he got it from the Ruski...

Again, it wasn't your crazy cat. Stephenie Meyer is disowned, trust me. Too many people reading it, I started sparkling a little bit the week the movie first came out! And where did dirty mare come from? Crazy Limey Bastard.

I think Italy has been completely corrupted. He's the living example of 'Speak Softly, and Carry a Big Stick.' He's literally carting around a big hunk of wood over his shoulder. Getting bits of bark in his new scarf.

Later!

PS. Did you and your brothers have to string me up in the middle of the meeting? You made me lose what little respect the other Nations still had for me! ...Or at least the respect Japan still had for me.


	8. England Four

A collaboration between me and and the ever kick-assness of Jackidy!.

Disclaimer: We do not own Arthur, Alfred, Pokemon, Twilight, Scotland, Ireland, or any of the other countries. Or Whiskey. Or Sealand, though he is cute.

* * *

Letters From A Gentleman

Dear Alfred,

That's the reason I say it, seeing you in fear and discomfort brings certain happiness to my otherwise dismal life. I'd avoid Wales at the moment, he's insulting your geography skills to hell and back and all because you thought Cardiff, his capitol because you probably don't even know where Wales is, was London. Honestly. So you went all the way back to America covered in green cake batter? Win!

They're not insane, they're special…ok they're insane but I love them anyway. Just don't tell them that, at all!

I have my own hockey sticks you know; I don't need your American ones. Where do you think the sport came from, it was played on grass before ice.

You'll be happy to know the cat won; it jumped on his face half way through and bit him. I love that bloody cat sometimes.

Ask any of my brothers or your brother they'll tell you about me being mellow, last took it in the 70's. You were glad for the information, I could tell you were Northern Ireland came from too but I think you probably already know.

Speaking of Russia he seems surprisingly close to your brother, France seems to think they're lovers but then again he's a jumped up Frenchman. I won't tell him you have his scarf, any other soul who reads the letter might. You know how my brothers enjoy watching you squirm.

While we are on the matter of disownment I'd like to apologise for having Robert Patterson spawn from my nation. Patrick's response to that is 'I'm not a crazy limey bastard you fat, ugly American prick!'

You're a bad influence; you need to be shot seriously.

Yours Faithfully

Arthur

PS. It's the best birthday present I've had from them in while and what respect? I can't name a country that does respect you or doesn't want to throttle your bloody head off now that I think about it.


	9. America Five

Disclaimer: I don't own squat. I'm not even listing things anymore.

* * *

Letters From an American

Dear Arthur,

I'm not scared of him, I'm reasonably wary. And I know enough that Cardiff wasn't London. I just didn't know where it was besides.

Course I didn't go all the way back to my lands covered in batter. I jumped in your pool first to get most of it off, then took a shower when I got home. Hope that explains those weird growths for ya!

Hey, they sure as hell won't hear it from me.

Where do you thin-? You're sounding like Korea, saying everything came from you! Have SOME respect for yourself! And I was talking about one of those switches you used on me as a kid. Those suckers hurt.

I love that cat.

I don't need 'The Talk' from you! God in Heaven, I'm scarred enough from you raising me, I've got the Internet if I need any answers.

No really, Italy has the Scarf of Doom! It's around his neck and covered in pasta and tomato stains now. And you tell you're brothers that if they try anything, I have dirt on them that I WILL show at the next meeting if they cross me! You know which night I'm talking about!

And I'm not sure if he's sleeping with the Red Bastard, and I really don't wanna know if he is. Nightmares for weeks. Of course, it makes you wonder. He keeps calling himself 'Mother' Russia, but he looks like a guy. Kinda makes you want to steal his coat to see if he is hiding anything extra from us.

I guess I should apologize for Kristen Steward as well. And I'm not ugly, so tell him again, blackmail!!

I know I'm a bad influence. But you wouldn't have me any other way. Really, if I was quiet or normal, you'd get bored with me.

Sometimes it sucks having fifty states. Todays drama; Arizona is being boycotted because of new immigration laws or something. Lord, my countrymen are strange, but I have to agree with the idea of getting Mexico to lay off.

Love,

Alfred.

PS, Japan respects me! Or at least my gaming skillz. And at least Italy and Germany don't want to throttle me at the moment.

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it fairy boy.


	10. England Five

Disclaimer: I don't own squat. I'm not even listing things anymore.

* * *

Letters From an American

Dear Alfred,

So that's what that green stuff was! I thought that was Australia and New Zealand's fault. You'll probably be happy to know that they both got the blame which resulted in the love birds having an argument which ended with another dent in Australia's skull since once again the Kiwi threw his hardback copy of David Copperfield at him. I swear one of these days I'm buying you a map of these islands with labels on it so you know who is who and where the capitols are.

Ah very good.

Good, they where supposed to, speaking of which we're having a mass game of rugby with the colonies and you're invited. I think it's because Ireland and Scotland want a reason to pummel you. And if it makes you feel better Wales and New Zealand won't be playing so you won't get your fat arse handed to you as badly.

The cat's response to that is coughing up a fur ball. Nice.

It's not my fault you walked in on me and Scotland you bloody bastard! And you do that, I'm pretty sure you'll enjoy yourself 'researching'.

In that case they won't tell, unlike you my brothers like Italy, especially Wales and Northern Ireland. If you're referring to any of the incidents I think you're on about they don't actually care, unless you're on about the time round the split between me and Ireland in which case you'll result in me crying. You don't want me to cry do you?

Trust me he's a man. And if you're brother is messing around with our favourite commie then let him be, so if or when he breaks your little brothers heart you have a reasonable excuse to nuke his arse. But you didn't hear that from me. Speaking of which have you seen Mexico as of late? Last I heard he was planning on seizing 'Florida' if you get my drift.

Patrick's reply is 'try it, half the world don't know who I am so they'll think you're a fucking loon'. Leave him with Scotland and his father for two months during World War 1 and he comes out a potty mouth.

Hong Kong and your brother are quiet and I love them anyway, but then again they aren't normal. I don't think I've ever met a normal person; everybody I know is clinically insane it seems.

Try having my little sister and all the islands around Great Britain and Ireland. Today's drama goes as follows: Isle of Man has crashed her motor bike again, Lewis and Harris has gone a bit crazy again and thrown knives and South and North Uist and Aran has stabbed Orkney in the hand with a knitting needle. They are bloody nightmares those lot. Even Scotland is afraid of his own 10 children; he is actually scared of going to his Scottish home to tell you the truth because he knows that the Isle of Sky is waiting for him so she can throttle him.

I have a hung parliament, which is a bit of a fail to be honest. Conservative are winning and need only 20 or so seats to be in power, meaning all the working class are having a panic because to them it's Thatcher all over again. Both Cameron and Brown are fighting over Clegg now, and if that fails the Queen will decide who gets in.

Yours Faithfully

Arthur

PS, Fairy boy, is that the best you can come up with? Jesus Christ I've heard that for years thunder thighs! Australia doesn't either but that's because he's the southern hemisphere version of you, New Zealand on the other hand has a Cactus with your name on it.


End file.
